The Worst

the worst

One of the core aspects of who I am besides a wife and (now a) mother, is a music lover.  I have thousands upon thousands of songs on my phone(s) as well as a trillion CD’s I keep vowing I will copy to  my computer.  I grew up going to singing and piano lessons and was pretty positive that would be the career path I would follow but life1 had different plans for me. So, now I just listen to it, almost endlessly,  24 hours a day2.  If a song touches my soul, I can literally sit and listen to it for hours and hours on repeat. It drives my family crazy but I can not help myself.  It’s as if a part of my soul is on E and needs to be musically filled so I can move on.

And don’t take this personal
But you’re the worst
You know what you’ve done to me
And although it hurts I know
I just can’t keep runnin’ away

Many moons ago, before I had kids, before I got married, before I met the one, before I took this path that led me here -  typing this, I was a girl who knew it all. Part of me “knowing it all” involved me dating scumbags and losers.  Idiots and assholes.  Cheaters and abusers.  I stayed with them for who knows why. Loyalty???  They sure weren’t loyal in return, but I stayed.  I didn’t stay for a few months.  With each one, I stayed for years.  Years.  Sometimes we would break up, only to get back together a few days later, with me promising to do better. Of course, no matter how ‘better’ I was, they never changed.

Please don’t take this personal
But you ain’t shit
And you weren’t special
Til I made you so
You better act like you know
That I’ve been through worse than you
I just can’t keep running away

The last physically abusive relationship I was in was a nightmare from the start.  He was a thug3, I was a girl from the suburbs.  I elevated his game, he did nothing but bring me down.  Down in the gutter is where he took me.  And there I stayed for years.  He was a straight up dog who had no idea what it meant to be in a committed relationship. If he wasn’t cheating on me, he was hitting me.  Always apologetic the day after and I would accept his words as truth.  I don’t know why I stayed. I was skinny and pretty and smart and kind but he had me convinced I could do no better than the love he offered me. I guess it goes hand in hand with what I was doing to myself mentally, believing the lies of others that I wasn’t enough.  Starving myself to be skinnier…. obsessing over what I thought were flaws.  Obsessing over what I was certain were the reasons he was cheating on me.  Even when people told me I was wrong, I didn’t listen.

Everybody’s like
He’s no item
Please don’t like em
He don’t wife em
He one nights em
I never listened
No
I shoulda figured though
All that shit you was spittin’
So unoriginal
But it was you
So I was with it
Then to tell you the truth
Wish we never did it

I have refrained from mentioning his name for years because I had myself convinced I was afraid.  Afraid he would find me and rehash the disaster I eventually escaped from because I am certain by now he knows the truth about what I did.   But time has shown me that I don’t say his name because he isn’t worth me speaking it.  Asshole suits him well.  And I am no longer afraid to say what I did under the guise of anonymity, but I will save that for a later day.

I don’t need you, I don’t need youI don’t need you, I don’t need you
But I want you
I don’t mean to, I don’t mean to, I don’t mean to, I don’t mean to
But I love you

I am grateful that I finally discovered how to love myself more.

 

Jhene Aiko – The Worst


  1. read: parents 

  2. yes, I even play music while sleeping 

  3. aka drug dealer and he sucked at being that 

  • Meleah Rebeccah - “If a song touches my soul, I can literally sit and listen to it for hours and hours on repeat.” — Same here!

    “But time has shown me that I don’t say his name because he isn’t worth me speaking it. ” — Amen to that!

    And I am so happy you’re with the love of your life now, and the family you’ve always dreamed of!
    Meleah Rebeccah recently posted..Have You Ever – Volume Nine – The Quitter EditionMy ProfileReplyCancel

  • Natalie - I love this! I am a music lover as well, but there was a time in my life when I couldn’t listen to it. It broke my heart and I could barely move when I heard certain songs. Those were a crazy couple of years. Now it is back as a major player in my life!

    Glad you moved on from the Asshole!ReplyCancel

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Promises Kept

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One of my resolutions self-promises was to blog more starting in February, so here I am.  I actually have someone who is going to try and hold me accountable so let’s hope that works.  I don’t blog from lack of content, I don’t blog because well, I am a a dodo brain who puts things off until the evenings when I know my husband will be home and I can write without interuptions, but by the time that happens I just want to sit somewhere like a vegetable and do nothing.  I am so behind on all the things I want to share here but I am not even going to try to play catch up. Instead I will just write from here forward.  Hopefully it will be consistent.

Here’s to the rest of 2014!!

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8 Months

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My adorable Princess Ivy recently turned 8 months old.

She has the most incredible personality and every day I fall more and more in love with her.

At this point she believes she can walk and is forever trying to stand up/climb things and take off.  She can’t even stand up, let alone walk! It doesn’t seem to register with her that she needs help or a steady surface to get  around or even stand up for that matter.

She also still loves music.  At birth it was Justin Timberlake, and now it’s Beyonce and Pentatonix.  Whenever she hears their music she begins to bounce around and wave her arms.  It is so damn adorable.

And while she was tiny at birth, she definitely isn’t now.  She wants to eat what we are eating, when we are eating it.  Don’t even dare tell her no.

Oh and I actually think she loves water more than ever before.  She is about to start swimming lessons, so we shall see howwell that goes.

Ahhh, and how could I forget, she has the most adorable laugh.  It’s often accompanied these days by a sound that I think one would hear often in a nursing home, but for some reason she feels the need to make it… a lot.

Bring on a lifetime more of fun!

 

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